ode to a forgotten friend
dearest microwave,
you warmed up
my cold pizza
and you warmed up
my cold heart
dearest microwave,
you warmed up
my cold pizza
and you warmed up
my cold heart
I was searching for my t-shirt
when I found you in my draw
your soft satin fibers
against the roughness of the floor
they used to make me feel like
a shapely sultry swan
but earlier this morning
i just couldn’t get you on
my entire life was run by
a thousand diets who
took my sense of sanity
just to fit into you
now I look back it wasn’t really worth it
just to get you on
I guess I’m proud to say now
I’m just a fatty in a thong
the sterling silver cars
reflected
the cotton wool clouds
that rolled in
over the hill
and the shimmering pools
of summer rain
reflected the not so shimmering
more so drab
condominium
swaying in the summer breeze
Window after window looked the same
to the untrained eye
(oh how little you can really see my dear)
the graying walls were splashed
with more colour
than one
could ever know
(I think you notice
a lot more
than you let on)
I could unravel myself to you
like a ball
of string
and all you’d say is
”oh”
or maybe
you’d just nod along
and look at something in the distance
or read the paper
but you’d never take the time to read
me
and I could present to you
every single
fucked up
scar
on my body
and tell you the story behind each one
and you’d book me an appointment
with the doctor
for my persistent
”headaches”
that you never really understand
and I’ve tried to block all this out
I’ve tried to ignore
the times when you’ve
looked away
or pretended not to notice
when I was begging you to stay
you do what I do with problems
you just ignore them
and pretend they don’t exist
pretend they don’t matter
and that really hurts
because that problem
is me
and your problem didn’t get up this morning
and she didn’t get up
all day
and she doesn’t think she’s going to get up
tomorrow either
because she knows you won’t say a word
to her
when she’s only asking you for
one
I used to measure her sadness
by the intensity of her eyes
and her skin was so god damn perfect
white, silver
almost transparent
you could see her veins
an opalescent blue protruding through
like rivers
meandering
through a valley
bruises
scratches
burns
scars
plagued that chalky beauty
like craters of the moon
and she barley noticed it anymore
they were almost natural to her
like she was born with them
she’d lived with them all her life
that girl wore her sadness
like the other girls wore their clothes
it hung off her
it clung to her
it wrapped it’s bitter arms around her neck and clung for dear life
every crater was like a page in a book
they were like
measurements
her tragedy was the
only thing she had
and each day
I used to measure her sadness
by the intensity of her eyes
Her two tone eyes had lost all their brown,
and were now but a pale green,
trundling in an empty valley.
She lay back on the couch,
as her spiny limbs,
splintered across the cushions,
she told me she was sad,
sick sad,
so sick that she couldn’t eat,
or sleep,
or even drag herself out of bed in the morning.
She told me she’d bought me something,
and she gave me a bag,
it was woven with an owl,
second hand,
used,
worn out,
like her in a way,
it was once so wise,
so wonderful,
but now the threads were torn,
hanging out like open wounds.
Lying in bed,
again,
it’s fucking 7 o’clock,
popping aspirins,
for that lifelong headache,
and drinking coffee,
for that lifelong fatigue.
Staring melancholy,
hopelessly,
at blank walls.
I guess I’ve lost,
the meaning,
that I’d never,
really found.
I hope you know,
my dear,
that you could have anyone you wanted,
you don’t realize how wonderful,
you are,
maybe that’s why you chose me,
out of every girl you saw.
It pains me to say that,
deep down I know it’s not true,
but some of the things,
that run through my head,
at these times,
are even,
more painful,
more shameful,
and cruel.
I know you’re not like that,
never ever to me,
you could break,
my skin,
my bones,
my heart,
and I’d forgive you,
with a flutter of your opalescent eyes,
the intensity of which,
is no match to mine.
But I know,
that love,
isn’t always returned,
and that soon,
you’ll grow tiresome of me,
in the way they all do,
you’ll see that I’m boring,
uninteresting,
your loving,
turns to loathing,
and my dear,
in the end,
you’ll like me,
no more,
than I do.
The cuts get deeper,
you and I fall deeper,
the emotion runs smoother,
and the liquor runs quicker,
it doesn’t even hurt anymore,
I just want it all to stop,
spinning,
and the walls to stop,
closing in.
Your arms my darling, are my only sanctuary,
your arms are the only place that feels like home,
anymore,
your words,
and your words only,
lull me into the sweetest slumber
hovering in thoughts of you.
But when I am without you,
all your wisdom goes to waste,
all your labors to dust,
I am falling again,
and this time there’s no one around to catch me.
My eyes damp with somber droplets of morose,
my legs dripping with droplets of havoc and of haste.
Ah, how well the edge of that razor knows my skin,
it’s traced the inside of my thigh more times than you have,
my love,
and I remember the day you ran your hand,
across my scars,
that was the day you touched my soul,
the only part of me hidden to you,
the part that I’m not even sure of myself,
and my dear,
you didn’t say a word.
(and I thank you for that)
